to: Doctor AKAO DOUE , ccb,at,bd, bs
Minister of the Office of Nigerian Letters
Your Excellency,
I am very mostly thankful for the grant money that your office has accorded me to study abroad. It is not every day that a Nigerian of my humble origins has the chance to get an degree in amtropology from a American University. Since this sum of money came mostly from the numerous pleas that your honorable office has sent to generous email recipientors in the United States, I feel that these same people should in very fairness be beneficiaries of my studies. So I have decided to redact and publicate my final thesis on the subject of them to which I give below a much shortened version thereof. This effort of me is to be helpful to them as much as to the Nigerian people who have more to do to be catching up to this greatest nation.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND TELIVISION
When first I spent one month waiting for your money transfer in a unexpensive motel of a small village in the province of New Jersey, I dutyfully did much spend time looking at the television appliance in my room in order to study the culture herein. I will confess to you that I must have turned the round plastic button several million times to ascertain the differencing in the programs. Here are some of my observations that I have listed in order of increasing utility to your Ministry that I presume:
- A white man with a strong black beard appears without a warning at all hours of the day to sell the viewing people soap, hooks,tools, insurance and all manners of objects. We need someone like him to redact a few of your benevolent letters to recruit more money from America. This scary man endowed with a high unagreable voice can sell anything and appears on almost every program for a few intervals of time each hour.
. - Several millions white handsome mans in America have problems with their penis not lifitng up when the moment is right. Many companies sell many medecines, but I know that our Nigerian unemployed brothers could with most hability perform the same, their penis being free of that shameful problem. Honorable Minister, Nigeria could create a school for these American man and hire our unemployed adult mans to teach the art and science of raising of the penis to them. We cannot as a nation under God miss a business opportunity of that proportion with all of the skills endowed to our brothers by our Creator.
- American womans spend much of the day buying glass beads and other ornaments from many programs that use a microscope-camera to make the jewel appear to filling the television glass window. We need programs like this as they are very successful, also because they use magic: every price has many number 9 in it which cause the womans to call a telephone number immediately. Our Nigerian woman like bigger beads but they could profit from a semblable activity while their mans go to drinking.
- American womans spend the afternoon listening to a handsome black woman called OPERA to know what to buy, what to read and what to believe. She would do well to recieve a letter from your ministery as I am told that she also has much money. A better idea can be of your honorable self to telephone to her offering a similar employment in our telivision. This way ourNigerian brothers could spending time out more to drinking or playing dice with their comrades.
- Another magician is another black man of the name OBAMA that has gaining a chance to becoming president. Several programs say he is the Messiah and one other program say he is the pariah, with many terrorists he palling around with. I dont know the verb 'palling' as it is not printed in the lexicon you have given me, but strangely the madam who asserted that is of the name PALIN. This research of mine is going on with that mystery coincidental for now, the missing letter 'L' and 'G' from her name.
- In America, everything comes in pairs, better statement would be in 'fighting pairs'. Coke fight Pepsi for carbonated fluids, McDonald fight Burger King for round meat buns, Cialis fight Viagra for penis potions, Obama fight McCain for presidency, Palin fight Clinton for high madam, Fox fight MSNBC for the description of black man OBAMA as Pariah or Messiah. The research of mine will long time be going on to that thematic, but I feel that we Nigerians could start 'fighting pairs' for distracting our population from despotic lack of efficiency in our administrative leadings.
- Lately, with the gasoline price going up up up every day Nigeria could benefit from example of America and start to drilling off-sure, a conviction of success as they are promotering on the telivision. We need to convince the Nigerian petrol people of this new technology of drilling off-sure to bring back the prosperious nation of Nigeria. More research for my ongoing thesis is needing to ascertain the meaning of 'off-sure', also a word not present in the lexicon I do keeping by my bed always.
- Finalmently, I have greatest news for all our hard-working redactors of Nigerian eMails: America is a country where some people have sold a bridge to nowhere to the congressants in Washing-Town. I know it is hard for most to imagine a bridge with one ending suspended in nothingness, but nevertheless this has occured, significating that with minimal effort we can sell anything to Washing-Town. So let us direct more eMails to that village and collect the funs. Your effort will not be in vain and there is no real need to spend too much time redactionating these letters as Americans will believe anything that is either written down or viewing on telivision.
When my thesis is publicated trhoguhout (another difficult word not in my lexicon) the world, people will finally understanding the secret of American dominating the world. To Americans life is a chess game where everything needs to be black or white, the board, the pieces and the players. They have created a dominant negro in boxing, golfing, basketballing and now are about to create one in presidenting by having the very black Obama fighting the very white McCain. We have much to learn from America on the absence of gray, the key to their success as my thesis will prove. More practically we should do the black-white dichotomy (yes! it is in my lexicon) in Nigeria immediately by my suggeting to your Excellency that if OBAMA wins Your Excellency should telephone the white McCain and have him elected as President of our black nation of Nigeria. This would be a modest albeit efficient step in the direction of the greatest nation on earth.
Your Excellency, I need to concluding that I need more money for my effortuous work and will appreciate more donations from the authors of the successed Nigerian Letters of which, honorable Minister, you are the most respected leader and editor in chief.
I remain thus truly your humble beneficiary and for a parting word I say to you:
KEEP THE EMAILS COMING TO AMERICA, NIGERIA NEED THE MONEY AND THESE MUCH MORE EDUCATED PEOPLE NEED TO BELIEVING ALL THINGS THEY VIEWING OR READING ALL THE TIME
JIMBO LA POIRÉ, foreign-student in amtropology.
