Showing posts with label JACQUES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label JACQUES. Show all posts

September 11, 2008

A Young Democrat's Wet Dream

The pre-med student looked ecstatic when he showed up in the doorway. Before closing the door, he held up a vial and shouted:

"We've got it, the one hundred day, one hundred percent voice killer"


The three students in the room looked horrified:

"Charlie,will you please sit and pipe down. Half the people in the hall can hear you"
.

Charlie pushed his mop of hair to one side and before the door was completely shut and announced in a much softer voice:

"They cooked this one from the Bordetella virus. The microbiologists worked all weekend, taking time to test it on a monkey at the animal lab. Works like a charm. That big rhesus is now as mute as a dead cell phone."

The three listeners moved closer and slowly started to smile in unison. One of them volunteered:

"How do you know this is going to last at least until the 4th of November?"


Charlie opened a beer that was handed to him but not before jamming the vial solidly into a shirt pocket.

"Easy, the Chinese call this virus the 'One Hundred Day Cough'. The real name is Pertussis. It works like this: a first toxin attaches to the ciliae in your respiratory tract; it's the 'Crazy Glue' in the virus. A second toxin paralyzes those hairs so that they stop propelling the mucus out of your lungs. The third toxin kills them dead while a final toxin gives a chest cold that you can't expel. The net result is that you cough like hell trying to get rid of mucus that slides right back down, having nothing to retain it. It takes about a hundred days to regrow new pulmonary hairs or ciliae. After that you feel well again.
But what Peter and his people did was to create a Bordetella virus with a genetic mutation...and a real 'cute' one at that".


The student who appeared to be the leader of the group asked for more details, all the while fingering his iPhone. Charlie went on after an extra long gulp of his beer:

" Now get this, they got the first and second toxin to attach to the vocal cords instead of to the lower airways. That mutation was already known so they mostly just had to make a culture.

Then, pointing to his shirt pocket, he added.

And guess what! There's enough virus in this vial for all 15-20 people on our list"

The three listeners' eyes grew wide and one of them added with a wicked smile.

"T
o get their message out, our victims will need a sound box like the one used by Stephen Hawkins. Can you just see this, Sean Hannity sounding like a robot, trying to make a point at 10 mph while his guests can run circles around him at 100 mph."

The young man next to him interrupted, sticking a friendly elbow to his rib cage.

This is assuming that
moron Hannity can type. He would need a keyboard with one of those sound boxes.

.......

The leader had completed his phone call, pocketed the iPhone and checked his watch.

Fantastic work! And the other team has everything they need to know, Wendy's, Chinese Food Delivery, the times, the addresses... the whole enchilada. Get this, fellows, Mike's team will take delivery of the drugs at six am. We need to make eighteen packets, double bagged 'Baggies'. Wash your hands in the sink with lots of Clorox and don't touch your face.

He continued.

They've collected the eating habits of 18 of the people on our list. We need to finish the job and save our country from another Republican administration. From now on we are at the extreme degree of secrecy. We know that these will be highly visible victims. If you guys want to finish your semester outside of a federal jail, just try to go home tonight and forget everything you've seen or heard here. From now on it's the other team's turn to play. Let's just keep them in our prayers...and check your TV sets tomorrow night. If they succeed, we will have a bunch of talking heads out of commission for a very long time.

....

Bill O'Reilly was replaced because of his laryngitis. 'The Factor' had a poor Neilsen rating on the 12th of September as it always does when the 'big guy' is absent. The day before, like clockwork, Bill had for his 12:30PM lunch two pastrami sandwiches on rye with a large diet Coke. That meat had been shaken in the same 'baggie' laced earlier with the modified virus. Three operatives had been on his case, with three others left hanging at the other 5th Avenue caterer, one that sometimes delivered cheeseburgers to Bill at the Fox Studio. With Bill O'Reilly, they were'nt taking any chances.

Sean Hannity had three beef burritos with a strawberry milk shake. His voice attackers had to split the dose after the delivery boy was properly chloroformed in the elevator before having a chance to recognize his assailants. Then one of the burritos was destroyed in the process of swabing it with the virus. The plastic bag was later washed with part of the milk shake and poured back in its container. One of the students wrote a note apologizing for the damaged burrito.

The group leader angrily muttered at him.

You nuts or what?! Your handwriting will nail your ass if we get caught! Let's just deliver and dissolve in the street.
........

The owner of FoxNews, Rupert Murdock was out on his high horse and the receptionist was holding the phone at arms length.

Give me Gibson NOWWW! I'm not about to have FoxNews on sick leave all week.

It was explained to him by a studio head that all the station's stars were suffering a bout of severe laryngitis, Brit Hume, Hannity, O'Reilly, Kristol , Krauthammer, including Gibson. It was possible that the studio should be quarantined.

Murdock had a surprising reaction.

You crazy bum, there's no way I will let the left-wing loonies control the airwaves. I'll send you a few healthy replacements before the 5:00 o'clock Factor. Don't let Colmes or Juan on the air alone. Play some 9/11 tapes all day if you have to...and feed a lot of commercials, the high-paying ones.

No one could suspect at that time that the talking heads would not be back until after the November elections. As a matter of fact, the Murdock recruits all suffered similar cases of laryngitis. It was a less severe kind caught at the water cooler in the studio. This had been a last-minute idea from Dave, one of the gang waiting for Gibson's Chinese food delivery disguised as a FedEx man searching for a bill of lading. When he discovered that the meal was for Gibson's secretary, a cute little thing, the student went for the water cooler and, unseen, managed instead to squeeze the content of the baggie into it.

Even Alan Colmes, FoxNews' token democrat, got it. Everyone got it and the FoxNews Neilsen ratings went down the toilet for good. The replacements, Feith, Abrams, Ralph Peters, Wolfowitz, and young writers from the Weekly Standard and the New York Post went on air briefly one after the other, between documentaries and Billy Mays or Cialis commercials. They all petered out when their voices left.
A New York Times cartoon proclaimed 'The NeoCon...spiracy' showing Murdock as a master puppeteer dangling a bunch of empty strings over an electoral map of the USA.
Since a few liberals were equally affected, the entire episode was attributed to the unsanitary condition of the Fox Studio.

But the phenomenon spread. Karl Rove fell silent as well and the Republican party knew it had a problem. The coughing was a side effect that made Republicans shun all and each other to the point that the secret service would not even let a very hoarse McCain talk to the press or other party members. A microbiologist was assigned to Sarah Palin along with a van containing two nurses, microscopes and detection equipment.

At least Palin's voice was crystal clear when she was asked to represent the entire party in a last debate, just a week before the election. Nothing inappropriate there as the VP is to replace the President at a moment's notice according to the job description.

The first question, served by a cocky Olberman in his booming voice, was the hardest one to answer.

Governor Palin, assuming that Georgia has to live without South Ossetia and Abkhazia now occupied by Russian forces, how do you expect the NATO membership that you have wished for them could change anything. You realize, of course, that the Russians now control the trans-national road AND the gas pipeline, that their entire Black Sea fleet is sitting near Poti and that they are well on the way to completing a missile base in South Ossetia as part of the C.I.S. mutual defense plan?
Under those circumstances, don't you feel Gov Palin that their NATO membership would not do much for them and that it has been foolish to let them believe to the contrary, to believe that we would rush to their defense and risk an all-out war for a territory that is divided and much smaller than Alaska, one that has already lost two of its provinces at the demand of their own residents, most of them holding Russian passports, in the same way as we supported the breakaway of Kosovo from Serbia twelve years ago?


She was splendidly dressed from advice received from Cindy McCain fashion consultant, sporting new designer glasses to the great displeasure of 3,500,000 adoring American women who had just changed their own eyeglasses to the kind Sarah wore at the St Paul convention two months earlier.
Her self-assurance was a beauty to behold, her head cocked to one side as she responded smiling at Olberman's long-winded question.

I trust you expect a long answer with a question like this one Mr Olberman.

The audience laughed heartily. Then, a dead silence fell upon the auditorium as well as through the millions of households throughout North America and the rest of the world.
A moment later, she cocked her head the opposite way and tapped her concealed earpiece with an impatient and heavily lacquered fingernail.
Her panicked eyes hidden by a complex toupee with hair extensions, she was observed to mutter something that no one could hear.

Why don't you feed me my lines you *ucking genius speechwriter!

The genius backstage was having the classic coughing spell, shoving the microphone helmet wildy at Karl Rove without being clearly understood. The dose had been formidable, infecting a coffee pot that the poor man had emptied to the last drop. At any rate, like the seventeen others, Karl would have been incapable to help; he had a few more weeks to go on the silent trail, peppering the party with post-it notes, text messages and other desperate means of giving out his precious advice.

What saved the day for Sarah Palin was her faked coughing spell, delivered with great talent and teary eyes, her face flushed as red as the party colors and prompting Olberman, ever the gentleman, to propose a postponement of the event.

Nothing saved the election, however, as Democrats easily won 300 seats. Americans could not vote for such a sickly bunch nor could they believe in a conspiracy since others that were unconnected were also afflicted. Larry King got it, Oprah got it ...and oh! I was going to forget, even Billy Mays went silent.

A week after the elections, FoxNews lost credibility when all their talking heads came back in full force, claiming that the 'loony left' had poisoned their voices. When MSNBC hit the 10,000,000 viewers in January, FoxNews closed its door at a paltry 200,000 viewers. Murdock had had enough of the humiliation, deciding to sell the news channel to a third party headed by a group of students that had inherited a lot of money. They wanted to create a humorous cable channel. They never told the bitter old man that the station would be called 'FoxNoise' and would be a parody of his old cable news channel. Neither did they tell him that the money for the cash purchase came from George Soros, proud sponsor of the virus research, a man now sitting on Obama's cabinet as a National Health Care advisor.

O'Reilly and Limbaugh, having let down their party, both moved to the Dominican Republic with a ten-year supply of Cialis and prostitutes. 'LaryngoPhobia' is now an ailment described in Wikipedia. The two men only eat canned food that they themselves open and wolf down without touching any plate or utensil for fear of losing their new-found voice. Both have grown so fat and sick as to scare the little kids that hang around their cabanas by the sea. Both were turned down when they applied for a broadcast license for a talk-radio show on the island. Rejected, they both went to the local watering hole to be consoled by a new barman, a freshly shaved American who earlier had lost his advertising business after being sued for breach of contract. He had become another refugee needing to work hard for a living. He wiped the table in front of the two men and, with a loud and clearly irritating voice, readied to take their order.

Billy Mays here, what can I do you for?

.........


Cantamar MX, 2008


April 25, 2008

Le Séminaire Oblat de Marie-Immaculée

At 11 I sang solo soprano in the Seminary choir. They required me to act the role of the Virgin Mary in each and every play that called for Her. I quit the Seminary at 13 because of facial hair. Had I toughed it out through it's full 10-yr course, I would now be wearing a size 54 cassock while looking obliquely at the new nun that blushes too easily, imagining all the ceremonies we could perform together.
Instead, I wear a size 40 sweatshirt (yeah! life is hard on the outside!) and I look at all the women, imagining all the ceremonies we could perform together. But now I can't sing shit. (Thanks Maria for lending me your voice)

March 22, 2008

Easter Weekend, San Diego & Baja


Plane ride, friends,sunshine, drinks at El Cielo, sketching and dogs...life is good!

March 10, 2008

A Graphically Stimulating Way To Show Large Numbers - An American Portrait


This image is made up of several thousands photos of the ends of stacked packs of cigarette. Check out this Chris Jordan site, with a dozen or more of these number-cruncher graphics about America's numbers. I thought that this could help me stop smoking or at least start counting!

March 9, 2008

UCSD Medical Research and Student Service Buildings


Visite avec Louise Hogues, laquelle apparaît, mon Dieu, sur presque toutes les photos. Enfin un bon moment de sont voyage chez nous. On espère bien sûr la revoir!!!!

Bill the 'Bloody' Kristol With The Fear Weapon Again...For Hillary!


Remember Bill the Bloody Kristol? Go to the extreme bottom of this page to see the result of our 'Kristol-name-calling poll'. Well guess what! He's at it again, this time by proxy!

March 6, 2008

Paris 1907 in Autochrome Colors, (NOT hand-painted photographs)

Our friend Luc Piché sent us this slideshow from the Paris City Hall, REAL COLOR PHOTOS of early century Paris, a color process called Autochrome and involving potato derived dies. Those are truly amazing, revealing a Paris that only writers and painters had captured in color. Luc was rewarded by finding his own grandfather with US troops at the Paris liberation, having a beer in a café (last slide). Check this out here

March 1, 2008

Hippy Days With Clifton Chenier

This is so good. Following Ron's comment on the last post, here's the UTube video of Clifton Chenier performing "I'm a hog for you". Clifton aka "The King Of Zydeco", is the daddy of CJ, the one that perform in the last post. Last time I saw Clifton was in a dark Montreal second-floor nightclub that was 16 ft wide and 200 feet long, June 1992. I got there late and had to jump to see a tiny man's head. Never got to see the accordion. Last time I saw Ron (all 6'5" of him!) was in a Lafayette restaurant in 1994. Now to see both of them in their prime on this video was quite a thrill. (Ron is the mustachioed spectator in the front row, shown wearing a red t-shirt and holding a beer exactly 52 seconds into the clip). Those hippy days were allright. Clean pre-9/11 fun all-around with sensual females dancing. Got a feeling that when boomers retire the good drugs and music will come out again for an encore. Meanwhile if anyone including Ron has more details on that party (date, place etc...) it would be nice to have it in the comments below. 

February 29, 2008

Hard To Have Louisiana In Mexico But One Must Try


OK I tried to bring some Louisiana into our house but I quickly quit, having the sound system to play a peppy zydeco tune by C.J. Chenier instead (CLifton Chenier's son). Then I found this clip on UTube. Christ Almighty this family has what it takes, including da beat!

February 26, 2008

An Tribute To The Great Ship Oooooosterdam

A short clip of this fine Italian designed and built ship, enhanced by an old Italian tune. It was leaving Puerto Vallarta in the evening of the 13th of February, St Valentine's day eve.Funny how a bad video clip can be made romantic with the aid of a 'watercolor' filter and the voice of Rossi from a scratchy 78rpm . The lady smiling is Nikki, of course. Who else does it like her?

February 23, 2008

Happy 61st Ron, and here's 20 years ago

Happy sixty-first Ron Smith, you now a Texan and I a Mexican. Remember Louisiana 20 years ago? Troubleshooting a machine we designed and built. Things were'nt so cool all the time. They seem to have improved a lot. I think youth is overrated. The best is yet to come! And here's my family 20 years ago, at my sister Lise's birthday and Yvette's marriage to Dale. Wow, what a hen house assembled at my mother's Ste Adele house! Those chicks (my sisters) have been going downhill since, o cruel fate, but so have we. We don't talk so fast anymore and our muscle tone went the way of the 45RPM record player. But we don't get in trouble so often and life is more sweet!

February 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Nikki

My dear Nikki's birthday is today, the 21st of February. Some of you have asked me what would please her on her birthday. Here is an idea: go to InstaBook Publishers and buy a copy of her novel called "Sweet Memories". Those who have read and enjoyed it may want to contribute some of their more interesting memories to be integrated into a sequel. The "memory chips" implanted into the brain of four residents of a retirement home created the base of this exciting plot set in the year 2020. I personally contributed some of my own memories and this was great fun. Now we want to give everyone a chance to do the same in a first exciting sequels to be written this year. You can contact Nikki at beaudrynicole@yahoo.com to offer her some of your own memories...or just to wish her Happy Birthday.




This is also the year when a pilot for a TV series might just be produced. Who knows, part of your memories might just end up on TV...or Cable!!

February 18, 2008

Our One-Week Cruise On The Oosterdam

You may choose to view this slide show full-screen with black background and control over the speed. To do all this simply click here

BayouMEX first fake concert - Oh Marie!


This beautiful Cajun tune and at least a hundred more were mailed to me by a gracious and genuine Cajun lady from Lafayette LA. We assume that she was either touched by our lack of palpable Cajun energy in this recent video, or she thought we should just quit and buy good music instead. In either case we thought that this 'lip sync' and 'bellow sync' rendition of 'Oh Marie!' should cheer her up. If we cannot be true Cajuns in Mexico, we can at least mouth their words and squeeze their tunes over their music. And, Madame Broussard, dat was fun doin, chère!